Amazing

He said, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard."

And I thought, "Wow! What a memory!"

Goof-Off

I've nothing to do, so I'd better get started.

No Challenge

Headhunting must have been easy.

Everybody has one.

It's Just me

Of all the jeebies, I find the heebie variation least pleasant.

Sleep, Then More Sleep

"Working like a dog"?

I'd love to have a job like that.

No Thinking!

When they learned what I do when left to my own devices,
they came and took the devices.

Wise Guy

I'm thinking of being a sage.

What do you need to know?

Why?

There's no Salvation Navy.

Using My Head

"Thanks," whoever invented shampoo.

Real poo doesn't clean as well, and it stinks.

Uhhhh...

Midlife brain fart: mentalpause

Dead Issue

I love to body surf. But bodies get soggy too soon.

You Never Know

I sometimes think I know, but no. I don't.

New Wrinkle

My birthday suit needs to be ironed.

Not A Good Sign

I avoid four-way stops, because I know only one way.

By A Nose

I like a leader whose name I can sneeze.

BUSH!!!!!!!!

Not Again

See, this "new year" thing always throws me.

What is it? Leap forward? Backward? Fall down?

For the first week, I'm a year late for everything.

It Was Arresting

Did you see the "Cops" Christmas special, "Police Navidad"?

Waste Management

As kids, we hadda go Number 1 or Number 2. It was a simple system, devoid of complication, designed to herald the call of nature in few words.

What I'm less clear on, though, is the rest of the list.

I'm pretty sure diarrhea's 2A, and constipation's minus 2.

But what's Number 3? Hurling?

Just Ask

I have opinions on everything - most of them baseless.

Further Instructions

Put your hands together!

Now, pull 'em apart! Put 'em together! Pull 'em apart! Faster! Faster!

Now you're clappin'!!

Insomnia

Last night, I was able to get some open-eye.

Odd Disclaimer

In case of a prize, duplicate ties will be awarded.

Still Looking

I haven't found the proof, though I've eaten lots of pudding.

Obligation

Today I used the phrase "okay in my book" - so now, I suppose, I have to buy a book.

Looking Back

The past keeps growing. It's much longer now.

No...

When I hear "You guessed it...", I probably didn't.

At The Diner

I watched the hotcakes. They sold no faster than anything else did.

Partly Right Sayings (4)

You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you know what really draws 'em? A carcass.

Yesterquestion

Yesterday... Yesteryear... No yesterweek or yestermonth? Just askin'.

Apiarist Sayings (1)

Beauty's in the eye of the beeholder.

Tear Jerk

I cry at the drop of a hat. What is it about hats? Seeing one drop just breaks my heart.

Misspent Youth

I wasn't as bad as some kids. Not quite a ne'er-do-well. I was a sometimes-do-well.

Saved

Patron saint of computers: Bernadisk.

Poetic License (Expired)

The "Cops" theme, if written by Shakespeare:

"O miscreants, miscreants... What be thy plan? Hast thou given thought to thy course of action should persons seek to restrict thy freedom? O miscreants... What is thy desire? What indeed is thy desire? What if thy capture be sought by the sheriff? Speak to me now of thy plan. Pray, reveal it unto me. Yeaheah."

No Change

I bought an occasional table. So far, it's been nothing else.

Fangs A Lot

Snake haters have a reptile dysfunction.

Bad In Vestment

That new priest is so conceited. What an altar ego!

Lame Threat

I'll hold my face till my breath turns blue!!!

Futility

I take my wife's mother to fun, exciting places. But - she always finds her way back.

Not So Funny

I'm hiding in the Witless Protection Program.

New Definitions (1)

Lies told for political gain: crapaganda.

Hey!

Try my anger management drink:

Slam-Fist

Unbalanced

He entered a battle of wits only half-armed.

Very Boring Movie

Casserole cooking comes to the islands, in

Pyrex Of The Caribbean

Bigger Is Better

My weight control program's going well. Just in the last thirty days, I've seized control of ten more pounds.

High School Flashback (7)

I failed music. I don't take notes well.

Huh?

Sure - I can tell you in my own words. But you won't know what they mean.

Seasoned Greetings

Happy Hollandaise!

Metal Distress

I got a deal on some overwrought iron.

I Have A Hunch

Quasimodo envied real modo.

Suggestion

When someone gives you short shrift, save it. Then, the next time, join the two with a shrift connector.

Requisite Cute Kid

Requisite Cute Dog

Not For Me

There's too much secterian violence! I'll never visit Secteria.

Finger Food

I just had to throw up my hands. How they got in my stomach, I'll never know.

I'm Clever

I often use triple entendres. (You think there's a double meaning, but no.)

Unseated

My house has a half bath. I fall off the side of the toilet.

Update

The kaboodle arrived. The kit's backordered.

Yo Ho Ho

Swashbuckling's a lost art. So here I sit, with three unbuckled swashes - and no instructions.

Partly Right Sayings (3)

Confucious said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with "You'd better go now. We're not stopping.'".

Ducks Of Algiers

"I'll get the mangos," she said, as the truck rushed by. Long hair or not, she'd have the last word.

He turned to the Colonel. "Fourteen, then?" His voice seemed lost in the crackle of lettuce. Most of the men were gone now. Time to tease the dogs and feed them salad.

"Let's get on with it," snapped Echols, now on the verge of arriving. "Take the box to the car. If it moves, tell no one. Simply return and make a mark with the chalk. Got it?"

He wasn't sure, but no one questioned Echols. One look at his arms and you knew. On the left, a crude tattoo of the right - lifesize. Maybe from the war, but maybe not.

"Fourteen it is," the Colonel said, with a voice that spoke words. His silver hair glistened with sweat, and Andrews thought of the duck. From this day on, there'd be no ducks or...

Suddenly everything stopped. From a distance, a loon called to its mate. All eyes were on Rick.

"The mangos," he said. "Wasn't she getting the mangos?"

Lou's World

"Gimme a donut," gasped Lou.

Yvette glared back. "What kind?", she hissed. Specifics, he thought. Always specifics with her.

"Cream-filled?" She was trying to help.

He rubbed his chin, now thick with stubble. How many days had it been? Five? Six? He wasn't sure, but the dog had barfed in his shoe and he had no socks.

"Fred called today," she wheezed.

Fred. Great. They'd thought he was dead. "What was his excuse?", he grinned.

"Huh?" She was teasing her hair, thinking of lunch.

"Never mind." Every time they talked, it was dialog.

Suddenly she was up, painting the walls. Lou liked the way her skin covered her body, keeping the organs inside. They'd been through a lot in two years. Now, with the dog and the donuts and Fred...

"Lou," she whistled, "your pants..."

"Burning?" This was not fun. He beat out the flames, and they both coughed as acrid smoke filled the room.

First the shoes, now the pants. But how could he blame Yvette? There'd been the election, of course, and the tuna melt. Hardly the kind of thing Fred would have thought of.

Fred. Of course. That had to be it.

"Donut?" Her voice was softer now.

"Sure," he said, hoping she'd hear. "Cream-filled."

Someone was practicing sax outside, and the dog wet the rug.

"Everything's changed," thought Lou.

"Huh?", thought Yvette.

Spirit Duality

He's a medium and a monk. He took a vow of seance.

Pups Love Puns

Things to ask a dog: "How's your paw?" "New pants?" "Why the long face?"

Waxing Nostalgic

The box warns: Keep them out of your ears! So, I shove my finger in - up to the elbow. What? What?

Early Bird Specials

There should be valet walker parking.

Tempting Fate

Go ahead - unscrew your navel. Maybe your butt won't fall off. Or...?

High School Flashback (6)

I was the teacher's pet. I slept on the floor by her desk.

Exhibitionist Spouse

As he lay dying, his wife flashed before his eyes.

Crime Scene

Does anyone really scream "Bloody murder!!"?

Bird Life

Worried crows have caws for concern.

Moe?

Seems to me we have fewer stooges now.

Superhero Gripes

(1) Arch-enemies (2) Too-tight tights

Losing Weight

I tried to diet, but I bit off more than I could eschew.

Eating

I have no beef with vegetarians.

Old-Time Radio Trivia

Later, Lamont Cranston lost his power to cloud men's minds. He was just a self of his former Shadow.

For World Peace

Once each year, let's do that racewalk stride all day long. Everyone! Who's with me?

Partly Right Sayings (2)

March comes in like a lion, eats the dog and soils the carpet.

New Heights

Escalators take you up. Okay. But what's the one that takes you down called?

Happiness

Woe is not me.

The Old Days (2)

I remember Local House of Pancakes and Neighborhood Geographic.

B O Positive

I have Italian blood. In a tube in the fridge.

Japanese Poem

When I say "haiku",
do not reply "Gesundheit!".
It is not a sneeze.

Age (2)

Getting old is a breeze. All you have to do is not die. And the odds are good.

Witness

You saw it "with my own eyes"? What were the other options?

A Bad Day

First, I put my socks on the wrong feet. Then, he wouldn't give them back.

Simple Solution

If it happens "Every time I turn around...", stop turning around.

Lost Money

Someone had a thirty-dollar bill and wanted change. I gave him two fifteens. His thirty was fake. I feel dumb.

Dishonesty

I caught myself saying, "That's my motto." But it wasn't true. I don't have a motto (though I may get one).

At The Pool

Marco Polo never once played his own game.

Happy New Year

This "year change" thing always throws me off. Seems like it should be lighter or darker later...earlier...something. It's just weird. Feels just like last year.

This Many

Little kids hold up fingers to show their age. Old people should do that, too. It keeps the mind sharp and joints flexible.

As Superman Ages

Can you get bifocals for x-ray vision?

Career Goal

I'd like to become a grifter. Where can I learn to grift?

James Blond

I'm skilled in counterintelligence. Say something smart, and I'll counter with something real dumb.

Identity Crisis (2)

Boy, if I were me...

Feelin' Philosphic

I found myself wondering, "Why am I here?". So I moved.

Free Advice

Never name a child "Rasputin".

High School Flashback (5)

I was so dumb. I didn't know math from a hole in the ground.

World's Slowest Criminal

His mug shot tells the tale: no arms, legs or torso.

Neatness

My hair is unkempt. I don't have time to kemp it.

Habits

I don't smoke. But I burst into flames once.

Pointed Hat In The Ring

Starting now, I'm running for Pope.

Gravity

Standing in the rain, I heard someone say, "Wow...it's really coming down!". I thought, "Well, sure...".

High School Flashback (4)

My school was dull. We had a yearpamphlet .

Avoiding Hell

Never climb into a handbasket.

Partly Right Sayings (1)

Birds gotta swim, pants gotta fly.

Elections

Nicknames in quotes don't get my votes.

Mafia Fact

"Don" is a common first name.

Crime Watch

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it could be one of those waterfowl impersonators working the South Side.

Crooked Lead Singer

Put your hands in the air! Wave 'em like you just don't care! Now, gimme all your cash!

Progress

Thanks to the web, fools have a much wider audience.

Penny For Your Thoughts

Sure---that's a fair price. But you don't get the movie rights.

Get Rich Quick

Sell "No Soliciting" signs door-to-door. They can't say they don't need one. If they have one, it's not working.

Childhood

I had an invisible girlfriend---but my parents made me start seeing her.

Circus Days

Wasn't the freak show great? You should have seen it from our side.

Gunplay

"Exchanged fire" sounds so ceremonial. Why are there are "gunmen" but no "knifemen"? People are "gunned" down, but only the bullet hits them.

'Tis The Season

It's not that I don't want to have a "Holly Jolly Christmas". I just don't know what it is, and I fear the unknown.

Events

We hear about the aftermath. Is there beforemath? And what of the "math" itself?

Keeping Secrets

Has "mum" always been "the word"?

Meat

In London, it's called "here broil".

Party Trick

Come up with a plan and down with a cold---but don't leave your chair.

Blessings

Today, just be glad your feet reach the ground.

Feelings (2)

Sometimes, I feel like a motherless child. Sometimes, I feel like a nut.

Nickname

Had he lived, at what age would "Billy the Kid" have been "Billy"?

High School Flashback (3)

Our books were way out-of-date. "History" had one chapter---"Fire".

Don't Waste Your Time

McDonald's serves no Scottish food.

Beliefs

When shocked, do atheists scream, "Oh, my Nothing!"?

It'll Freeze Like That

Did ugly people ignore a warning not to "make that face" when they were kids?

Timing

People say "Don't mention it!" too late.

Lack of Focus

Wow. If I could just...

High School Flashback (2)

Those people who slept in class... Where are they now, and are they awake?

Astrology

I don't like my sign. It's Feces.

Diagnosis

The doctor says there's an ugly mass in front of my brain. That's my face.

Memory Loss

Boy...if I only knew now what I knew then.

The Psychic

She asked, "When would you like to come in?". I replied, " Wait a minute. You don't know?".

Rebel

I opened an index with my third finger, just to be outrageous.

Vocabulary

"Monkeyshines". That's a funny word. I know what it means, but explain the "shines" part.

I'm Really Rested

Last night, I dreamed I was asleep.

News

Dogs get the latest from others' excreta. Now are you thankful for CNN?

The Old Days (1)

I remember rock music played with real rocks.

Depth

People in the comics seem so two-dimensional.

Feelings (1)

Sometimes, I feel like a kid peeking out through adult eyeholes.

Math Teacher's Ultimatum

A train leaves Pittsburgh at 2:30 PM, reaching a maximum speed of 56 miles per hour. There are seven cars, each with 36 seats. Be on it.

Karma

Sometimes, what goes around doesn't come around. With sufficient velocity, it can break its orbit and fly straight forever. So don't waste time waiting.

Maleness

Whoever says "The only difference between men and boys is the size of their toys" ignores the changes puberty brings.

Medical Research

I tested Preparations A and B. Ouch! They wanted me for C, but I said, "Don't call till you get it right!".

Time

Right now, I'm living in some people's future and some people's past. Feels good, though.

Trends

Tattoos, piercings and now...braided nose hair. Where's it going to end?

Identity Crisis (1)

When someone asks, "Just who do you think you are?", I'm stumped.

Age (1)

I plan to die not knowing what I'll be when I grow up.

Dancing

All my life, I've heard the phrase, "waltzing in, pretty as you please". But I've never once seen anyone do it.

High School Flashback (1)

There was that one girl whose left leg was three inches too long. Her name was Eileen Wright.

Death

I'm really not afraid to die. Frankly, I could use the rest.